NOT into reading? LISTEN to the audio version instead! (Or listen to me narrate along as you read the text below. Best of both worlds? #AudioBlog)
Do we have to do things the way we’ve always done them?
Once again, I’ve been experiencing anxiety…all because of this…blog.
(Yes, this is now the third blog-related blog post – that’s 60% of blog posts as of now.)
Up until today, I’d set a precedent; in each blog post, I’d present a story/conflict, have some Inner Voice dialogue, reach a conclusion and draw a lesson (oh, and each post would be titled in the form of a question.)
Those were the rules I played by, this structure is what I adhered to.
But – is structure necessary?
In the working world, sure.
But – this is a blog. An expression of myself. Shouldn’t I have the freedom to do what I want?
And what my heart wanted this time (and what inspired this train of thought) was to share a poem I wrote.
But. I thought I couldn’t. So I didn’t. And spent days going over other blog post topics that “fit” more of that structure, trying to get my heart to be moved enough to pursue writing one of them.
Because I felt obligated to do what I always did. To maintain the status quo. A rigid adherence to the “rules” of this blog.
But…these were rules I made up for myself – there was no proof that rigidity to rules was beneficial. Nor was there someone on the other side (i.e. a business partner) who expected that these rules be adhered to – no agreement in place – which meant violating the rules wouldn’t hurt anyone.
In fact…not violating the rules might actually hurt myself.
(And yes, I drew this conclusion through dialogue with my Inner Voice, but intentionally decided to not write the conversation out in scripted form this time to allow myself permission to break from the norm.)
I unexpectedly had a conversation with a friend this morning, someone I hadn’t talked to in ages (for some reason he received a text that was intended for my cousin – I guess the Universe wanted us to talk/reconnect) and as he asked what was new, I explained my writing predicament.
A writer and thinker himself, he offered me some wisdom, wisdom that I think could apply to anyone stuck in some form of arbitrary rigidity to rules (whether it’s only allowing yourself to work in one field or date one specific type of person or write/create in only one particular way. At least rigidity in other areas i.e. ‘I only eat things that have less than 5 grams of sugar’ while a little odd, makes sense in the grand scheme of health.)
SK: I don’t want to post anything that feels forced, I want there to be an element of self-exploration or discovery or expression. Thinking I want to stray away from formulaic essay writing style and maybe just drop some poetry – with the lesson being…it’s okay to not be rigid.
FRIEND: I agree with that. Without exploration and freedom, you won’t know what feels like home.
Home. Home. Hmmm. They say home is where the heart is, right? Should I follow my heart?
I had come across a quote yesterday from Paulo Coehlo that said “Wherever your heart is, that is where you’ll find your treasure.” For some reason, it stuck with me overnight. Maybe because subconsciously…I knew it applied to my current situation.
Was my treasure, my home, this other form of writing?
Perhaps…as I feel happy with this blog post. And no, it’s not a traditional essay. Or even a traditional blog. Rather, completely untraditional. Simply…a stream of consciousness (stream of khansciousness. There we go.) And that’s okay. Because the goal of this whole thing is just self-exploration. Not to have a wealth of new essays. And there’s still a lesson in all of it.
Earlier today I thought the lesson was simply about rigidity to rules and how it may hold you back. And while I believe that’s true, as I think about this situation more, I can’t help but conclude that the lesson is broader – and perhaps, a bit more optimistic: it’s about following your heart and giving yourself permission to change. Permission to do things differently than you did before. Permission to be who you might actually be.
Because maybe the way you were doing things was simply all you ever knew? Not knowing it was never actually…you.
As long as it doesn’t harm you (like eating something with 50 grams of sugar might), it’s okay to stray away from rigidity to rules and listen more to your heart. That’s where the magic is.
As my friend I accidentally ended up speaking to this morning wisely said, “Without exploration and freedom, you won’t know what feels like home.”
Recommended Listening: Taylor Swift Cardigan
I knew you
Tried to change the ending
Peter losing Wendy
I, I knew you
Leaving like a father
Running like water, I
When you are young, they assume you know nothing…
(It doesn’t lyrically apply to this blog topic directly, but it’s special and thematically similar in that Taylor also strayed from traditional songwriting structure on her surprise Folklore album to embrace stream of consciousness writing, and created…well, magic. Anyway. Enjoy. I’ll see you guys next week. — 💜 SK)
P.S. This stream of consciousness writing is the most effortlessly satisfying thing I’ve done thus far in relation to this blog. It feels like my favorite because it just feels real. And maybe no one else will agree. But. Maybe I needed this. Maybe it’s just further proof that I am most “at home” creatively in a space that lacks structure. That I think outside the box. Or…color outside the lines. Or…to reference the lyrics of a new Taylor Swift song…I don’t paint by the numbers (I realize now that she named that song ‘The 1’ and not ‘The One’ as if to intentionally emphasize the numeral. How artistic.)
Maybe it’s just more proof that the things that work for you – things that are effortless or as my friend says, “feels like home” – are what to follow. It doesn’t mean don’t put in effort at all ever. But pay attention to where your life seems to flow. Life is never wrong. Life knows more than you do.
P.P.S. I just realized I didn’t actually post any poem. Which one to choose? Hmm. I have quite a few. I’ll just share a short one I wrote in early June since it’s thematically the most fitting. It’s called…um…’Thought’ (yes I literally just named it now.)
I thought I was smart.
Thinking that thought,
Is proof I’m not.
ICYMI…PREVIOUS BLOG POST: What’s This Feeling?
START THE JOURNEY FROM BLOG #1: Am I Too Scared To Start Things?
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