Finding Light in the Dark Weeks

As we embark on a new year, I felt compelled to reflect on my most recent chapter of growth.

In television production, there is a term know as “dark weeks” – the time when a daily/weekly show isn’t being made, a time for employees to rest – or catch up on other important happenings in life. What airs in its place? Usually reruns. It happens often during the holidays, but really, whatever makes sense for that show in between seasons (I know that The View, for example, goes dark in August.)

The writing hiatus of the last 5 weeks have been my own “dark week” period – though interestingly enough, I don’t feel dark about it. Yes. There were sad moments and challenging ones – moments in which I feel like I was forced to fully become an adult. But ultimately, it was worth it, as I felt a sense of accomplishment in doing something for my family that had nothing to do with the traditional, external definition of the word “accomplishment.”

I think in taking a break in writing about lessons, I learned the most important lesson of all: that life is about love. And when you do things you love, or do things with the intention of love, or in my case for those you love, you end up enjoying and being really great at things you never thought you could see yourself doing, even if they are quite challenging (like taking on motherhood unexpectedly for a period of time – truly a difficult task and I will never insensitively refer to someone as just a mom ever again) and being more than content with a life you thought didn’t align with who your ‘ambitious self’ of months past thought you were (like days in Malibu just walking and thinking and laughing and chatting and…hanging out.)

And given that so many weeks of this blog were dedicated to career and productivity and artistry and identity surrounding that, it is interesting to now conclude, in blog #22, that none of that really matters in the grand scheme of life (I mean – blog post #1 literally starts with just a paragraph of me listing a whole bunch of seemingly impressive stuff I’ve done.)

I was driving with the top down in Topanga Canyon, chatting over the phone with my friend Jess, someone who I’ve been consistently close with for almost 11 years, and who has seen the evolution of SK in all of her stages and who herself is on a parallel journey. And the one thing we both agreed on? I love people. People make me me. I am a social butterfly. And whether I lean artistic or entrepreneurial or creative – that is the thing I live for. I misspoke 5 weeks ago when I said words made me me. The truth is…people make me me. Words (and conversation) are just the art I offer. Because, without people to receive the message/art, what’s the use in having words?

For years I feared the question “what do you do?” — because so much of my identity was wrapped up in what I did, and I never felt fully comfortable with any given title because I feel so…multifaceted. Layered.

Was I a Journalist? Interviewer? Artist? Writer? Performer? Content Creator? (Honestly – I often just went with visionary in recent years.)

I would joke that they always say do what you love and the money will come; I liked hanging out, and wondered…could I be professional friend? Like a platonic escort? I just know that people bring me more joy than any book idea, script idea, blog post, whatever.

But – I still do like creating. However, I derive joy in creating art because I am primarily interested in creating joy for the one that receives the art. It is not simply that I have an inner need to express and create for creation’s sake – but rather, an inner need to connect with others through whichever means of expression and creation I choose.  Human connection is my inner motivation. It’s just what I do.

And so – for the girl who co-founded Instacurity – and was plagued for ages with this question of “who am I?” as if I needed some specific title for social media or clever phrase or Instagram category to make myself feel special – I’ve now truly learned that the worth is in just being me. SK. Samia Khan. No fancy IG “category” or bio required.

Because Samia Khan is magical.

Truthfully. I love being me. SK. I love that I get to be me…someone I think is the most fun person in the world (yes, a highlight of 2020 was hanging out by myself, creating ideas and jokes in my head and just making myself laugh. Yes. I was my own friend. Thanks, COVID quarantine.)

Samia Khan. SK. Who is not defined by anything – not a book or a show or a fancy company – who is just me. A human.

And what’s a human’s job?

To simply live.

And speaking of living, maybe I needed to live up to a line I had kept saying about myself, or well, a character I had written in 2019 – “she doesn’t need to find a man, she needs to find herself.” In a self-manifesting way, the real-life 2020 SK did exactly that these last 6 months.

And…now I’m not conflicted. I’m at peace. And completely okay and happy and excited for whatever comes next. And…what’s next publicly might be a new blog. Or it may be more time offline, with friends and just privately working towards projects and goals. No one knows what the future holds. What I know for sure is that the best things in life come from trusting yourself in each moment of your life. And living from a place of joy. And my joy comes from all of my friendships and the fun I have in life. So I’m leaning into that. Friends and fun. (My favorite F words.)

So as long as work is fun, even if it’s hard but I truly believe in it, I’m going to do it – big or small, whatever the opportunity may be. Because when you come from a place of peace, of inner satisfaction, abundance – then striving for something is coming from a pure intention – it’s truthful – not there to fill a void.

So I’m excited about 2021. Because the possibilities are endless. In feeling pure joy – with attachment to nothing — I can now intentionally recommit to the ideas/projects I actually want to work on.

So thank you for being a part of this journey. Because really, that’s all life is. As the final blog-style post of 2020, post #22, the lesson – one I stated in Blog #1 (which as I mentioned started with me listing my accomplishments) – still remains: it’s about the journey, not the destination.

(And the journey means nothing without the people who are a part of it.)

Recommended Listening: Mariah Carey Can’t Take That Away

I have learned there’s an inner peace I own
Something in my soul
That they cannot possess
So I won’t be afraid
And the darkness will fade
‘Cause there’s, there’s a light in me
That shines brightly…
Certainly the Lord will guide me
Where I need to go

(Because as I took a break and went on a walk through Malibu’s Legacy Park, contemplating the first draft of this post, the beginning lyrics of this song – one I hadn’t heard in like 20 years – started playing in my head. And I started singing them, not even knowing the title. It just felt like revelation. A truth. A Divine Guidance…one that can’t be taken away.  – 💜SK)

P.S. Here’s a poem that revealed itself today as well. (Yes, SK’s inner Maya Angelou still exists.)

JOY
I feel so much joy,
So much peace
So much happiness
Being me.
No image to maintain,
No one else to impress
Just a life full of fun
Who would have ever guessed?
There’s so much joy that I feel,
So much love deep within
Life is what you make of it
And that, my friend, ‘s a win.

KHANFLICTED