Dear Young SK (A Letter to My Pre-COVID Self)

Dear Young SK (and by ‘young’ I mean the SK of Feb. 2020),

This is a letter from your future self.

Your future self who, without a global pandemic and the destruction of everything, may not have realized the things she needed to know.

Your future self who can now see with clarity – all the issues that were buried deep within.

Your future self who doesn’t need to obsessively strive – because the motivating reason, which subconsciously created your own perceived role of heroine, no longer exists.

Your future self who can recognize how so much of what she was striving for was to make up for things that ultimately were unhealed wounds.

Your future self who, through having to take care of 2020’s difficulties blessings in disguise, healed things buried in her subconscious.

Your future self who now truly understands that thing that brings her the most joy – it’s not accomplishments, but rather, people.

Your future self who, because past career successes involved human interaction, realized that a younger you did not yet know that you did not enjoy working just for work’s sake; a false understanding of your reality.

Your future self who, when examining your truth, knows that deep down, the thing you joke about being – a professional friend, an expert hanger-outer, the future founder of a platonic escort service – that’s actually who you are. It’s where you excel. It’s where you derive your confidence. Human connection drives your actions.

Your future self who, while creatively talented with artistic inclinations, does not care about comedy for comedy’s sake (or writing just for writing’s sake) – for what’s the use of creating laughter if no one can enjoy the art? What is the point in creating, when there’s no one there to create with?

Your future self who knows that people make life worth living.

Your future self, who had returned to her hometown bedroom in April and while anxiously preoccupied with a need to edit footage and figure out a series and a book and strategize Hollywood things, glanced at a saying on display that said ‘It doesn’t matter where you go in life, it matters who you have beside you’ and read it – but didn’t properly internalize it…‘til months later.

Your future self, who after giving herself the permission to step away from writing and step away from the blog in November, watched to see what she would choose without obligation. What she observed? A girl who didn’t need to create, as if she were a tortured artist soul, but rather, a girl who exceled at creating life experiences for others. And in the human interactions and experiences over the course of 6 weeks, grew more, healed more, and learned more, than in the previous 6 months of simply writing and forcing creativity.

Your future self, who spoke too soon in November when she said that words defined her. While she has a way with words, and her art reveals itself in the form of having a gift with words, what is the point of words – if there’s no one there to receive them?

Your future self, who believes her younger self – who branded khanversations at the age of 23, because of the joy derived in human interactions and the retelling of those stories – may have known herself much better then than she did a decade letter.

Your future self, whose aware that her comedy and brilliance does not always come from sitting down at a notepad and writing in solitude, but more likely while having conversations with others and watching as the impromptu magic comes out of her mouth. Whose magic is always natural – never contrived. Whose ex may have summed it up best when he watched as she sat down to write a blog recap of a celebrity interview, in 20 minutes made magic and who, impressed and in shock by what he witnessed, proceeded to say “you write the way Jay-Z raps.” Never forced. Never scheduled. Just magic whenever the magic is received and ready to be revealed…in just one take.

Your future self, who recognizes how layered we are, and how social media and the need to adhere to an image or brand prevents us from exploring and expressing all sides of us, and how in a way, platforms that attempt to promote self-expression often limit one’s ability to feel safe to do so.

Your future self, who cleared attachments to any and all previous projects and identities, to fully feel and embrace what it would be like to have nothing define you – no qualifier or impressive career accomplishment to list in a social media bio, no racial/religious/gender identity to limit you – and to find happiness and comfort in just being.

Your future self, who would stumble upon a Spiritual Gangster tee, with a saying on it that said “If you want to be happy, be” – and fully identify with that instead.

Your future self, who will still strive and do cool things because that’s just who she is, with an interesting network that always present new opportunities, but who doesn’t need anything to feel satisfied or worthy. Who has rediscovered the worth in just being her – SK – a fun, interesting, clever, creative, observant, smart, funny, curious human. Who happens to know a lot of people. And will have unique experiences because of the people she knows and the people she will come to know in the future (in a post-pandemic world.)

Your future self, who no longer needs a second opinion (or 23 opinions) on any of her creative work like she did in March; who truly trusts herself and her inner knowing.

Your future self, who doesn’t know what’s in store for 2021, but just believes it’s her best year yet. Not because of possible achievements, but simply because she’s her best self (so far).


Future SK (Dec 31, 2020 edition)

Recommended Listening: Taylor Swift Willow

Life was a willow, and it bent right to your wind
But I come back stronger than a ’90’s trend
Wait for the signal, and I’ll meet you after dark
Show me the places where the others gave you SCars
Now this is an open-shut case
I guess I should’ve known from the look on your face
Every bait-and-switch was a work of art

(Because I couldn’t not include a Taylor track from her new album Evermore. Yes, we got two surprise Taylor albums in one year – which I guess makes sense, because she once sang that Two is Better Than One. Enjoy. I’ll see you…soon. 💜SK)

ICYMI…PREVIOUS BLOG POST: Finding Light in the Dark Weeks

START THE JOURNEY FROM BLOG #1: Am I Too Scared To Start Things?